Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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