Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
