I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
