our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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