the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
