Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
