I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
