So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
