Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We need to get me chipped asap
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
