when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
