I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
