I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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