Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
