the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
