Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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