What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
