i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
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