The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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