my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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