I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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