if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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