I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
