i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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