I want to stick my p in your. b.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
