im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
