you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
