As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My dad just said "fuck circus"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
