My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
