If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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