Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
