you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
