We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
