How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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