do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Watching her eat just hurts me
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
