I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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