Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
