last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
