I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
