Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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