So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
