Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
