whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
How's work?
Spinning.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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