I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
