Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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