Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
