I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
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