Don't make out with my wife yet
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
