I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
