I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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