best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
